The Only Person who will Rescue myself – is ME.

I watched the brown liquid hit the glass, instantly the smell hit me like something I am sure should only be at a crime scene, but I didn’t care. In all the movies, soap opera’s and tv drama’s whenever someone gets bad news they take a shot of very strong alcohol to feel better. I found some whiskey, a glass, quickly poured a shot, downed it and instantly regretted it and did it make me feel better? Hell no…….it made me feel like I wanted to throw up or was that the knowledge that my gut instinct was right, he had cheated on me.

The ‘other woman’ had visited us a few days prior to this ‘what I thought was a good remedy, the whiskey scenario’. Her intention was to talk him around to leave me and I think there was an element that she wanted to see what she was going to destroy. Unknown to me who she was, she had turned up unannounced and when I look back, I knew she was not good the moment I opened the door and I thought my husbands reaction to her was odd. He told me they had confidential matters to discuss so I left them to it. The irony was I had bought some silk sheets and was putting them on the bed whilst they were downstairs, so we could have a night of passion! Over the next few days I received phone calls, messages and a ‘good luck’ card from her telling me of their affair. Of course he at first denied it, then he admitted to kissing her then when I told him I knew he had fucked her, he may as well confess, he did. That was the day my whole world seemed to fall apart but now I know that was the day when the universe sent me a gift which was the key to my freedom.

University was our meeting place and got engaged quite quickly. We then had a long distance relationship for a while before buying a house together, so then I moved to be with him with the understanding we would move after having children, nearer to my family.

However, a few weeks before we got married my gut instinct was crying out to me ‘DON’T DO IT!’ but I ignored it, putting it down to ‘pre-wedding nerves’. I went through with the wedding which was a small registry office do surrounded by family and few friends and it was a pleasant day. Then, 2 weeks later, I sat on a park bench and asked my mum if she had ever regretted marrying dad. She looked at me in horror and said ‘no’, my stomach lurched and I knew I had made a huge mistake.

Unknowingly, when I met husband, I was actually searching for a father figure, to replace my dad who died when I was 4 years old. I put husband on a pedestal but the relationship was unhealthy as it was very parental / child. He was never going to live up to my expectations and the more he fell and let me down the more I blamed myself and the self abuse cycle just kept going.

I was overweight when I met him as I was suffering from an eating disorder. Bingeing through desperation and sadness which made my weight balloon. Although, I had a very outgoing personality and appeared confident the inside of me loathed me and he perpetuated my feelings. As my body grew in size so did his control and Sophie was disappearing.

Part of the self abuse was to accept his controlling behaviour and think that it was my fault and he was all I deserved. I had got myself into this mess, now I have to lie in it. I kept saying to myself that no one else would want me and he made sure to remind me of that.

I did not have a male role model and had never seen how a ‘healthy’ relationship worked, so I was just bumbling along. I manage to find solace in my work which I loved and I made a couple of friends but I never confided in anyone. “It is my fault this is happening”.

I tried talking to him a couple of times but I always ended up apologising and backing down.

Drowning in depression I go on to develop a chronic illness which was the start of the downfall. I had to stop work so I started to talk about having kids. I told him though I thought we needed to be on more solid ground before we start trying. I took it upon myself to work on me, started to go to a gym, tried eating more healthily, stopped smoking, started therapy whilst he just fucked someone else.

We had been married for 3.5 years, he was a police officer so I never imagined he would cheat. He was supposed to lead by example to the community and took an oath to be upstanding. At the time, I was so angry at the other woman, I wanted to kill her but it was misplaced anger. Luckily, I was in therapy at the time and I had support and a venting space. My therapist told me that I should be very aware of decisions I make in anger, so I decided to try to forgive him and carry on. The wound was open and slowly getting infected but I smiled through it ignoring the pain.

Ironically, the next few months were the best we had. He was on his best behaviour, spoke to me nicely, took me out trying to lure me back into a false sense of security. I now know he was sleeping with various other women and spent his spare time trying to cover it up but was very clever with it all, making me feel like I was going crazy. The term now used is ‘gas lighting’.

I never forget the day I left. We had been away for a weekend celebrating his birthday. To the world we looked like a couple in love, kissing, holding hands, gazing into each others eyes. This is probably because we were away from it all and it was a reprieve from all the shit. We got back to our house and I felt like I had left a cloak of black, dark depression standing in the doorway and as soon as I walked in it enveloped me. Every inch of my body and DNA felt it. I had added instant pounds of weight merely in this sludge I called life. I walked around like a ghost, an argument ensued and I realised then that he did not want children and he had no intention of moving down to where my family was. We went to bed that night but I slept in the spare room. The next morning he came in and apologised and made up some bullshit excuse then we stared to have sex. Half way through sex /.,my tv6ethis absolute disgust washed over me and I screamed at him to get off me, he repulsed me. At that point I knew it was over. I could no longer live this life, this lie. I packed up what I could and drove to my mums.

Over the next few weeks he begged me to go back, I was tempted. He told me he really did want children, I was tempted. He told me he would do anything to get me back, I was tempted. All the while he was moving another woman into our house. Then he cemented my decision by telling me that he did not actually want to marry me, I had pressured him into it.

It took me 6 months to heal physically from the illness but so much longer to heal the emotional scars. I had to re-learn who I was and dig deep to find out what I wanted. I had spent so much time and energy trying to please him, to get him to love me even though I thought I was unloveable. I had always said before I married if ever anyone cheated on me I would leave them straight away – I was very black and white but when it happened there was the yucky grey area I was not prepared for. I had given my power away so readily, I was this needy, greedy for attention, self loathing, self abusing mess until I was given the key, took back my power and left. I picked up my confidence off the floor and went off to New Zealand for a couple of years to do something I loved – teaching children and ski ing. I used the anger, bravery, courage and power I used to walk away from the marriage to go on an adventure and feel joy and freedom.

I learnt some very powerful lessons during the marriage and afterwards when I reconnected to who I was, my desires and what I wanted. I learnt that I have to start listening to my gut instinct and even how uncomfortable or painful it will be to walk away, I have to before I get entrenched in the yuckiness. Though, I have to say that despite this learning, it was not so easy to let go of the pattern of behaviour I had become addicted to and I found myself in more abusive relationships but I managed to spot it earlier and get out a lot faster. Now, I can spot unhealthy relationships a mile off dripped in Gucci.

I completely understand when you are in the unhealthiness it is not so easy to walk away as many friends and family suggest as that would be the biggest step of all and the scariest. Fear keeps us stuck and to get through that fear – small changes are the best. To ask in the moment of fear ‘what do I need to do right now?’ Feelings are fleeting but behaviour can have a huge, deep impact. Taking back your power even if it is the way you speak to yourself, live in alignment and for your purpose. Believe in yourself that you are enough, you deserve the best and you can do anything.

Since I divorced, I have written a book, travelled the world and lived in various countries, I lost the weight, found some weight again but most importantly I now have so much more worth, value, self loving and self belief. I #fuckfear and embark on new adventures when I can. I live my life, my rules and how I want – I still have ups and downs but I now know that the only person who will rescue me is myself.

 

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